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YouTube - Ninja cat comes closer while not moving.

YouTube - Japanese Show - Cat Weight Lifting.

YouTube - Riding The Volcano.

YouTube - HOLE IN THE WALL, FOX.

Stupid show, another import, but the “Oh Crap” woman is so so funny.

While leaving work on Thursday, I exited out of the garage by the hidden Safeway entrance and noticed a dog tied up waiting for its owner. The sadness and longing in its eyes, never looking away from the door, caused me to forcefully focus my mind on something else. Anything else, lest I finish my walk to the subway with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I was a dog boy. I am a dog man. My mother loves her cats and after she escaped my father, she had cat after cat but no dogs. During my lifetime, I had 2 dogs that I absolutely loved–Blackie and George.

Blackie was my black german shepard from early childhood. I was too young to remember when he joined the family, but I can remember he was truly my best friend. He was also my protector from friends, family and foes. One day a wild dog cornered me and my cousin Wendy and it was only because of the sudden appearance of Blackie that we got away without injury. Blackie left us the way many childhood pets do. He was given away behind a lie to a child (poor Jol).

The details around George are cloudy even though he was my dog during my early teens. After my father remarried, he lived in a doghouse behind our new house until one day I found him shivering, bloody and with a couple gaping wounds. Somehow he had escaped his chain and been hit by a car. The vet repaired him mostly but he died a few months later. George was a small, black mutt and I can clearly remember his joy every time he saw me. He would tense up, smile and bend his body into a C-shape while almost dancing foot to foot.

It is the blind devotion that makes me a dog lover. As any of my best friends through the years can tell you, I am so insecure about my worth as a friend that I can’t bring myself to consider them my equal in the friendship. I am always the sidekick in my mind.

Better yet, ask the guys who have tried to be my close friends over the years. If I didn’t pursue their friendship first, I was always suspicious. Why would they want to be my friend? What do they really want from me? I have ruined so many potential friendships over the years because I was too skeptical.

But with dogs, you never question their love. It is in their eyes each time they see you.

On a recent episode of the FOX series Bones, a body is discovered in a sealed time capsule opened as part of a 20 year reunion celebration. I took half the show to realize that the funny looking people in the flashbacks were the class of 1987–my class if I had graduated normally.

Boy, I feel old.

Last Saturday night (11/24) was the 20 year reunion of the class of 1987 from Bassett High School. I left BHS after the 10th grade to live with my mother in Richmond so officially I am not a part of that class. But I spent grades 1 through 5 and 7 through 10 with these classmates and in spirit they are the bunch I claim as my own.

The desire to see what everybody looks like and what happened in the last 22 years was a strong draw, but I couldn’t attend. Even the thought of returning to Bassett and being in the same town as my father was more than enough to dissuade me. Contrary to what you might think from reading about him, I don’t avoid him because he is a horrible person. Instead, I avoid him because I am afraid for him. He can’t deal with me. Every time I visit, it sets off some defect in his personalty that creates drama or causes him to drink. At his age, his body and mind couldn’t take any of that. So, essentially we are done.

The internet affords many opportunities to reconnect with people. From my high school class, I have found and at least exchanged email messages with 3 people from the class of 1987. One, Lance Frith, visited me at least once.

The reunion gave me a chance to evaluate how much I am interested in seeing more people. The disappointment in seeing the people I used to lust after 22 years later and ruining any mental fantasies that remain is a reason with merit.

Strangely, more important than squashing teenage masturbatory dreams, is the chance that these people will be unchanged emotionally. For example, two of the people who organized the reunion were John Fulcher and Chris Roach. During our time growing up together, they weren’t the nicest people. They weren’t bullies or even someone who could scar me for life mentally. But they were the typical high school males, excluding and mocking others to bolster their own egos and social placement. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt though. The fact that they were organizing the reunion has to be a good sign. And they could have grown a lot in the 11th and 12th grades, after I left. There are plenty of others who fell into this category and the thought of being trapped in a ballroom with only this group, somehow if any of my friends from high school never make it to the reunion, is scarier than I want to admit.

An interesting aside, I know of at least 3 other 1987 BHS classmates who are gay. I wonder if they would attend, and attend as themselves.

I hope everybody who attended the “semi-casual, BYOB” reunion at Bassett Country Club had a wonderful time. I hope everybody normalized into great people and they all have great lives full of love and adventure. And I hope I can find some pictures from the event

The last time I saw my father, he was running towards the woods wearing a long-sleeved Christmasy western shirt and a brown cowboy hat. His boots kicked up snow with each stride as he tried escape the police.

In the middle of a recent depression, I struggled through nightmares of my father. Those dreams, however, showed me that my life today is miles ahead of my life then. For that I am grateful.

I enlisted in the Navy at age 18. As Christmas of 1987 approached, boot camp was less than six weeks away. It felt as if this was the last opportunity I had to reconcile with my father. Maybe it was the fear of leaving home. I hope to god it wasn’t that I felt joining the Navy would finally be the moment where he felt I was worthy as a man.

After a few awkward phone conversations, he promised he really wasn’t drinking anymore and I agreed to spend the holidays with him.

I rode a Greyhound bus from Richmond to Bassett and spent most of the first morning visiting family at my Aunt Net’s house. Every conversation felt strange. After a few years away, every cousin, every nephew felt more like an in-law. Someone I was required to consider family but without the bonds forged over a childhood. Regardless, they provided a necessary cushion between me and my father.

We ate lunch. We posed for pictures. My blond spiked hair clashing with the fake wood paneling in the background and with the family smiling around me.

Early in the afternoon, my father and I returned to his trailer home. He stretched out in his Laz-e-boy recliner to take a nap before heading back for family dinner later. I wasn’t tired at all. Searching for his porn stash, I found an unopened bottle of Virginia Gentleman whiskey. Furious, I wanted to shake him awake and call him a fucking liar. I wanted to leave, go back to Richmond and forget I had a father. I did none of those things. Instead, I left a note saying I was walking down to the convenience store to see if I could run into old friends.

The convenience store–I forget its actual name–was the primary hangout when I lived with my father. With two gas pumps outside and aisles of concrete and cans inside, it wasn’t special. It felt more like home than dad’s trailer.

The owner and a few customers were inside. Full of dread and excitement at the thought of running into my friends, I made nervous conversation with the owner. Each time the door behind me opened, I shot a quick look hoping to see anyone I knew. During my time away, I had grown more comfortable in my skin. Inside I was the same goofy kid, but my appearance and attitude were more forceful. My confidence blossomed once I escaped to Richmond and away from my father’s influence. In this neighborhood, it wasn’t a good thing to stand out though. My spiked hair, with its blond highlights, shouted what my thoughts whispered–I didn’t fit in there anymore.

Finally, a trio of my old buddies showed up. Ronnie, Randy and Larry.

Ronnie was the oldest of the bunch and walked around on one crutch due to a bad leg. He was well into his 20’s and still lived at home. We were never close but a couple of things carved out a soft spot in my heart for Ronnie.

First, he was indirectly responsible for my love for the Miami Dolphins. He invited me over to watch the Super Bowl. The one where the Dolphins lost to the Redskins. I have been a die-hard Dolphins fan from that day.

Also, he was the only friend who ever made a from-the-heart statement against the way my father treated me. His house sat on the other side of a garage, about 100-150 yards down the street from our apartment. We lived above the furniture store and he had a clear view of the long (and scary) steps from the ground to our door. One day, my father I fought and rolled around in the gravel outside the front door of the convenience store. Later, Ronnie watched my father chase me up those steps, beating me with a wooden cane my grandfather had made. Ronnie said he wanted to take that same cane to my father’s head. It was clear he meant what he said. That was the extent of the support I received during the years of living alone with my dad.

Randy was a little white-haired troublemaker. He was probably around 12 when I left Bassett so he was approaching 15 then. His mother pawned him off to a neighbor who lived in a trailer on the other side of the park. It was widely rumored to be a pervert situation. Barring direct evidence, all the confirmation I needed came when Randy hit age 11-12 and stopped living there. Randy’s mother then sent his younger brother–maybe 8–to stay with the guy (I think his name was GD). I guess some debt was still unpaid.

Larry. There isn’t much interesting to say about Larry. His family had moved from a trailer to a nice little single family home down the street. His mother had a bad leg and owned the beauty salon in town. My mother took me to that salon to get my hair cut. My dad was sure it would turn me gay. Larry’s father was at least my dad’s age but he played full-contact football with us or even harder contact basketball on the hoop in his driveway.

For most of the time I knew him, he was “Wayne” but just before I left Bassett he started going by his middle name “Larry”–which was also his father’s name. His older sister Denise had a crush on me (she was my age) and his younger brother Jamey was a serious brat.

Ronnie, Randy and Larry walked into the store as I played pinball in the corner. It was like I didn’t exist. Or the years we hung out never happened. Looking back, it was more likely they were stoned on something harsher than pot. Or just posing as angry young men. If I had stuck around in Bassett longer than a day, they would have warmed up to me again. I hope.

I returned to my father’s trailer less than 2 hours after I left He was awake, drunk and angry. He never expressed it but I think his ego was hurt that I left him to see my friends. It is difficult to imagine that while I was subconsciously fighting for his approval, he was seeking mine.

He yelled a lot. I yelled even more back. He hadn’t changed at all. I needed to leave. I told him I was going back to Richmond. He said he was glad; I should leave if I wanted.

He disappeared while I packed my suitcase back up. I wasn’t aware that he was orchestrating a big drama play. I placed my suitcase next to the front door and sat down to call my grandmother, my mother’s mother. I couldn’t call his side of the family for help.

My father walked in the front door with his shotgun. I froze. Who was the gun for, I wondered.

My dad answered that question by placing the butt flat against the top of my suitcase and both barrels under his chin. He waited for my reaction.

An emotional mess on my best days–no thanks to scenes like this–I freaked out. I cried for him to stop. I yelled for him to do it.

I built up the nerve to lunge and grab the shotgun. I pulled it forward as it fired past his cowboy hat, punching a hole through the roof. Drunk as he was, I don’t know if he intended to shoot himself or was shooting for maximum damage to my psyche.

Grabbing the spent shotgun, I used the butt to knock my father through the open door and out into the yard. We fought and rolled around in the snow for a while. My father is stubborn, mean and ornery but not very strong or a good fighter. Most of the fight I tried not to hurt him. In my weaker moments I gave him a solid punch to his stomach or a kick to his legs.

My father never fought fair. A couple of times I had to stop him from bringing down a cinder block on my head. There was never any danger of injury, he took so long to get momentum swinging it that I could easily deflect it to the side and watch him follow the block to the ground.

He finally gave up the fight. He retreated to the tool shed about 30 feet from the trailer and sat in its doorway smoking unfiltered Pall Malls. Grabbing the gun from the ground, I went inside to call my grandmother and the police. I needed my grandmother to come and help me get back to Richmond. The police I called because I was afraid for my father.

I went outside to tell my father that my grandmother was on her way and that I would never be back. I spoke my last six words to my father’s face, something no drunk trailer-living cowboy wants to hear.

“Oh, I called the police too.”

All thought of anything else left his eyes. He turned toward the woods and started running.

Eric challenged his friends to cast themselves in a movie–who should play me in undoubtedly the most disjointed piece of celluloid this side of a David Lynch film executively produced by Terry Gilliam.

Unfortunately Marlon Brando has left for the land of endless twinkies and bacon above, probably sitting at the right hand of that drama queen sky wizard call God. He (Marlon, not God) alone could understand the emotional anchors necessary to cover my waif to whale transformation and its impact on my daily life. That would be the heart of my movie, fattened arteries and all.

If the movie was animated, it has already been well established that I am Ralph Wiggums–poor Wiggums indeed.

Before I reveal my choice to play me, I need to help Eric find the person to play his teenage to young adult self. Hot as this actor is right now, I can’t believe Eric overlooked him.

He went from goofy playful geek

to the hot go-to geek stud

(Shia Labeouf for those not in-the-know)

Enough delays. If I was casting myself in a movie, throwing out the idea that the looks have to match, I pick:

h

Yes, that is Donnie Wahlberg. Just like me, he had major success at an early age, was full of shit most of that time, had plenty of tail but now has suffered through a humbling streak but tolls away producing quality yet uninspired work.

I think the counter girl at the cafe downstairs hates my guts. She is very polite to me, chipper even. But I know she secretly wants me to tip her.

I love to tip. I remember my days waiting tables and how much the tips do matter. A tip, however, has to have worth beyond its monetary value. They have to earn it.

Sorry, counter girl. Taking my order, then my money and occasionally walking two feet to the glass case to get me a muffin doesn’t warrant a tip.

What makes it worse, she isn’t very good at even those things.

The cafe puts your name on your tickets for food pick-up. For a week or more, she called me Chuck. No explanation.

When I do order a muffin, every time so far, she forgets to get it in the time between taking my order and taking my money. A few times she started to go do other stuff, noticed that I had not moved and realized that she needed to get my shit.

The best, though, was the day I ordered a muffin and she went to the back after taking my money. I was thinking, stupidly, “mmmm fresh muffins!” She returns about 2 minutes later, looks strangely at me and places on the counter the just-retrieved tip jar. She then got me my muffin.

I will set up a special email address and forward any messages I have to have local copies of, using Thunderbird to suck them down.

I will uninstall Thunderbird as soon as I can. Another one of my favorite applications, Evernote, now supports auto-import from a POP account. Now, any email message worth saving locally will go straight into Evernote for archiving. If I forward messages with image attachments, Evernote will even perform OCR on the image and make any text searchable.