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Eric challenged his friends to cast themselves in a movie–who should play me in undoubtedly the most disjointed piece of celluloid this side of a David Lynch film executively produced by Terry Gilliam.

Unfortunately Marlon Brando has left for the land of endless twinkies and bacon above, probably sitting at the right hand of that drama queen sky wizard call God. He (Marlon, not God) alone could understand the emotional anchors necessary to cover my waif to whale transformation and its impact on my daily life. That would be the heart of my movie, fattened arteries and all.

If the movie was animated, it has already been well established that I am Ralph Wiggums–poor Wiggums indeed.

Before I reveal my choice to play me, I need to help Eric find the person to play his teenage to young adult self. Hot as this actor is right now, I can’t believe Eric overlooked him.

He went from goofy playful geek

to the hot go-to geek stud

(Shia Labeouf for those not in-the-know)

Enough delays. If I was casting myself in a movie, throwing out the idea that the looks have to match, I pick:

h

Yes, that is Donnie Wahlberg. Just like me, he had major success at an early age, was full of shit most of that time, had plenty of tail but now has suffered through a humbling streak but tolls away producing quality yet uninspired work.